ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize