he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
