She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize