i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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