i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
