My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
