I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize