worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
