Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
