i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
