Need sex. Gaining weight.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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