I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
