i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
