Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Drake has all the answers
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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