I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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