I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
