He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
