just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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