I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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