and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize