I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
