ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
