I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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