she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize