Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
