They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
