Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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