So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
