He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
