a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
