I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
