There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
