and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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