Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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