I want you more than these girls want KFC
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
