this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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