if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize