dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize