That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
