this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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