dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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