I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
