take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
