he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
