I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
