Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
