I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize