I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
