I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Blood and glitter go together right?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
