Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
