Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize