i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
