one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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