and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
