he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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