I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
