my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
