It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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