when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
