kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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