Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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